It’s been a year since I first posted here. It’s been an incredible journey. I met the most amazing like-minded artists and writers, people who supported me and sticked around even when I took long breaks. (You know who you are) So on this occasion of the first blogiversary, (it is a word, right?) I’m sharing a very personal experience just so probably it would help someone out there.
Last year at this time exactly I remember I cried for 3 days straight, so much that it hurt to close my eyes and keep them open too. I got into the college I had been dreaming of since some last 2 years and I couldn’t actually enter it due to some personal reasons. I started questioning everything; life its purpose, does anyone care for me and what I wanted. I started questioning everything to such an extent that there were two versions of me, one which pretended to be strong enough to face and accept everything as it was and the other one which was dying for an escape. Few days later, I started putting out my thoughts out here. And it actually kept me sane. I found a distraction and that too for good. Now I’m considerably happy. Studying something I loved. Trying to do what I love and do more of it. Yes there are still days when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning and question the reason of waking up in the first place. There are days when I hate myself for not reading enough, writing enough or sleeping too much. There are days when I hate myself for giving too much to people who are too busy to see it. There are days when I hate myself for opening up in front of the wrong people. There are days when I hate myself for questioning myself too much. But it goes on. It will pass. Your mental health comes first. I overthink to an extent that I start doubting my nerves will burst or I end up getting migraines. Every damn little thing. But that’s okay. I find a way out too or sometimes a way too deep in. But that’s okay too. Because you will never think enough or talk enough or write enough. It all comes down to a point that how true you’ve been to yourself even after hurting your self-esteem for people who don’t care at all. Even after being this close to flunking your dreams and finding something which was truly meant for you.
The light does exist somewhere out there. You just have to carry on. I did and I still am. Yes, plans don’t work sometimes. You miss deadlines. You fail yourself. But trust me, as long as you believe in yourself or even struggle with it, its all good.
So here goes the most impromptu and personal post I’ve ever written here and a year of blogging. Also, a kickstart to continue blogging. Thank you for staying. This space has given me so much, including restoration of faith in myself and competing in the national poetry slam. I hope I’m able to give it back something too. Much love. x